|My look for my portfolio show~!|
You can read some of the back story here but I'll re-summarize it below if you don't want to jump from post to post. I'd like to put a trigger warning here for anyone that's sensitive to animal stuff, suicide, and other touchy topics like that. If you're not interested in my personal life, you can skip down and read some of the happier stuff near the end~ ❤
Re-cap of things so farFor those of you who don't know, I was forced to move out earlier this year because of some family drama. My mom was admitted into the hospital last Christmas because she was dealing with some psychological conditions. As a result of this, her side of the family stepped in and tried to "help" by taking control of our lives and making all these changes for us.
They arranged for us to move houses after my mom was discharged (to avoid some of my mom's triggers), then proceeded to tell my sister and me what we could and couldn't do without our lives as if they knew us (they were trying to get my sister to go to a university she didn't want to go to and move her to the city they live in so that she can stay there for school. They told me I needed to drop out of school and find full time work and return when I can afford it, or make more money while I'm still in school). They also wanted me to give my dog away (at least for now) because it was "stressing my mom out" having a dog at home (??? I DON'T EVEN LOL SHE LOVES MY DOG =___=)
I was willing to deal with all of that because my mom wasn't in the right mindset to make life choices for us. I asked around for people to look after Koji but after a bit of shuffling about between homes, he ended up staying with me for a week or so at our new house until I could find someone to take him for more than a few days (I made sure the landlady was okay with it first of course). But one day while I was at school, I got a call from my sister. She was crying and telling me I needed to get home as soon as I could.
I asked her why and she said that my mom's relatives were in the house trying to put Koji in a garbage bag. Yeah, you read that right. I told her to give them the phone and I politely asked them what the fuck they thought they were doing and to get the fuck out of my house and leave my dog alone. My mom's brother replied with something like, "I said you can't have a dog. If you don't get rid of the dog before the next time I come back, I'm putting him in a garbage bag and leaving him under a bridge for the SPCA to find." Keep in mind that this was in like, November. "It's pretty cold out so I'm not even sure if they'll find him before he freezes."
Yeah. Do you have any idea how livid I was? Shaking mad. I called my mom immediately after and I told her that her relatives can go fuck themselves, I never wanted to see them in my life again, I disowned them, and I was moving out with Koji. She told me she understood and that she respected my decisions and would help me however she could because what they did was fucked up.
Fast forward to this November
So my mom has been recovering since her discharge early this year. She was given medications but she started skipping them and lying about taking them. In late November she started acting strange again. This time it was much worse, she was talking about suicide a lot. This obviously concerned my sister quite a bit so she started messaging me about it. At this point I was pretty invested in school and my personal life, but I made some time to see my mom and have lunch/dinner with her just to check up on her. I noticed she was saying strange things and acting weird too so for the next few days after I met her I was thinking of ways to get her admitted to the hospital again. I don't have a car so it would be hard for me to get her there without her knowing what's up.
Anyways, I got a call from my sister a few days later and she told me my mom's relatives admitted her to the hospital. This time they were way better at dealing with the situation. They had my sister stay with my mom's brother and wife (they could drive her to school for exams and they made sure she was fed and stuff). I visited her as often as I could but I needed to buckle down and finish school so near the end of her stay in the hospital I wasn't able to visit. In the end, her family handled everything and I was able to concentrate on school. My mom's brother left me a voicemail and tried to apologize for what he did last year, but honestly I could give two shits.
I'm not trying to hold onto grudges or anything petty like that. But seriously I've been on my own for over 10 months now and not once did these people call me to ask me how I was doing or if I needed help. They pretend like they care but they don't. They put me in this stupid situation and won't even own up to it, now all of a sudden just because they leave me a half-ass apology on my voicemail I need to forgive them? LOL fuck that.
Anywho, my mom's recovering nicely now which is wonderful. She shouldn't be relapsing again as she had to sign a waiver with the hospital saying she'll go for her monthly check-ups and take her medications or the police will come and take her to get them. I had dinner with her on Christmas and she seemed more or less like her usual self so I'm glad that's all in the past now~
On my end, I'm still recovering from my break-up I think. I tried not to really think about it or let it bother me but I think I'm still hurting a lot, which is why I barely sleep and I still lack the motivation to do things in life. I was very depressed while my mom was going through all that stuff and even I felt suicidal some days. I didn't want to get out of bed or wake up from sleep. I forced myself to sleep ridiculously long hours so I didn't have to wake up and be alive basically. I ate about 1 meal a day and I hated myself. I cried every night for hours and I drank myself to sleep when I could.
I was a mess and I didn't really see a point in living like that. But I promised myself a long time ago I wouldn't ever end my life (first off, there's a lot to live for and secondly, it's an inefficient decision because no one would be able to shoulder the burdens I leave behind so it'd basically cause more problems than it would solve).
Ever since then, a lot of people have reached out to me both in real life and on my social media platforms. I have been venting to some close friends as often as possible and they've been a tremendous help in my healing process so far (if you're reading this, you know who you are and I love you guys so much). I've also reconnected with a lot of old friends from high school and my cousin on my dad's side who's like a sister to me, so that's been nice too.
|Me and my cousin!|
I learned so much about myself and my ex in the last few weeks, it's kind of crazy. I've been trying to pinpoint exactly what's been making me upset but so far I don't really have an answer. I think it's a combination of many small things, I don't know anymore. All I know is it still hurts a lot because I did everything I could to keep it together, but in the end that wasn't enough and I was at my limit. It's one of those things that's hard to accept because it feels like you did everything right but it still didn't work out, and that's a really shitty feeling. Oh, and the lying. When you find out someone lied to and continues to lie to your face, that's one of the most awful feelings in the world. But there's no point in talking about that stuff now. Like a close friend of mine said, "what's done is done."
Hmm other than that not much has really changed. I'm waiting for the New Year to start so I can look for a new job and quit my retail job. I think the change will be good for me and help spark that fire inside me again. This year has been tough and probably one of the worse years I've lived, but I want to stay optimistic for the upcoming year. I have a lot planned for myself in terms of life goals and general lifestyle changes so I'm excited to get working on them.
That's about it for updates. I tried a new eye shape the other day but I'm not too sure how much I like it. It's quite different but I feel like it doesn't really suit me.
I tried making that point in the inner corner of my eyes again. I can't seem to love that look on me. I think it's because my eyes aren't shaped for it haha. But anyways here are some other makeup photos:
My haul items are waiting at the post office for me to pick up right now so I'm super excited to write about them later! Oh and also if you want to see my portfolio website you can do so here. I'm still tweaking a few things here and there but you can get a general idea of what I do haha.
I know I say this a lot but I really hope to blog more often in the New Year. I think it's more important that I do so now than ever because I don't really have the motivation to pick up a new hobby (which I desperately need to keep my mind off things). Anyways, I hope you guys had a wonderful holiday and a fantastic New Year! I apologize if you worry about me after reading all this, but I'm doing a lot better than I was before. It's going to take some time but I'm healing little by little each day. Thank you so much for supporting me all this time and reading all my nonsense. You guys are the best ❤❤❤ Talk to you guys again soon!