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Saturday, October 18, 2014


Hello everyone! How are you all doing? Today I thought I would do a little personal post. A lot has happened to me in the last month and I just haven't been feeling myself at all. As a warning, things may get fairly sad/depressing so if you are triggered easily I suggest maybe skipping out on this post~
The last time I spoke about school, I was going to graduate. I was in my last term doing the final push and trying to get everything done for my deadline by the end of September. But I failed. To be exact, I withdrew from one of my classes before I actually failed it.

I was just too distracted and too preoccupied; I was in the midst of ending an almost 6 year relationship. I don't want to go into details because it still hurts when I think about it. You never think things would ever end when you're in a place like that. You would never think the person you held so high and regarded as your whole world, would ever do or say anything to hurt you. Especially not after all those years.

You think you know someone inside and out, but you don't really see their true colors until you put them in a dire situation. Until they're on the brink of losing something or someone they thought would be there with them "forever".

To be honest, we both felt relieved when we actually split. It felt like a load of pressure was taken off our shoulders. I was asking for him to change with me over the last 6 years, but he felt like I was pressuring him to change too quickly especially over the last year. I guess in the end we just weren't on the same page and it just wasn't meant to be...

And that was fine. We could still be friends, it wasn't like things had to change all that much. But then you tug away at the threads and you realize everything you knew about this person and the situation as a whole was wrong. Their true feelings about you, their inner most thoughts, and the things they held onto all this time... it all comes out in the end. It's at that point you realize there is really no return. You realize damage is done and whatever broke is beyond repair. You have to let go of what you once held onto so dearly, and all that's left is to look forward and recover.
Because of all this, I've literally lost the ability to be happy. I can't enjoy the things I used to anymore. I used to love playing video games, drawing, writing, and all that. Now everything feels like a chore and I find myself sporadically crying and sleeping just to get through the day.

The only thing I enjoy now is going out to see friends and just have company. I'm such a mess. It's not even that I'm upset about losing him or anything like that. It's the fact that I know everything now and it's just too painful to have these thoughts in my head. To know that all this time it was all a lie and a front. To know that I was stupid enough to think someone could love me as hard as I loved them. To know that I wasted all this time thinking he would change for me, when I have solid proof to show he hasn't changed since day one...

But all of that pain and all of that sadness is slowing fading away now.
I ended up getting my old job back at Forever21 so the days go by easier and I have a source of income again, which is nice. I've received a tremendous amount of support from my mom and friends which has helped greatly. I don't think I would have made it through the first week without them (it's been almost a month now).

I'm back at school but I only have one class to focus on so I'm going to give it my all. I'm going to prove to him and everyone else who doubted me that you can do what you love and be successful doing it.

I started getting back into doing my gal makeup again too. I've been slacking outfit-wise this year, and it doesn't help that it started raining already >___<;;
Anyways, I've been doing a lot better now that it's been some time since the breakup. I feel like I'm recovering little by little every day. I can't wait to be myself again haha.

Here's a few pictures of my recent makeup. I started lining my waterline with black liner and then filling in the outer edges with liner as well. I think it looks way cleaner than my makeup before. I used to avoid lining my waterline with black because I thought it made my eyes look smaller, but in gal makeup it actually pulls the look together quite well!
My favorite look of the bunch! Haha.
This is the only one I'm not wearing lenses in
If you stayed with me until the very end and read everything, thank you so much. I'm going to be okay! <3 I'll talk to you guys again soon~
Strawberry On Top Of Cupcake