Friday, January 3, 2014
A Fresh Start (personal post)
This will be a rather personal post. I'm going to share a little about my current situation as well as vent a little of my personal feelings since no one really cares about that other than me right now.
life changes right now and some of them are tougher than others. For starters, they all forced me to give Koji away. I can't even begin to tell you how upset I was. Every chance they got they would always tell me I was never allowed to bring him back and that one day, when I had my own place and job I could have whatever pet I wanted. Bullshit.
I asked Patrick to take him for a little bit but his parents said they were only able to keep him until the spring because they are renting out their downstairs as well as going to a wedding in Mexico. So now I need to find another home for him. My plan was to find a temporary home for him until I graduated in the summer. Then I would move out and he could come live with me. I have a few more people to ask but it's not looking so good at the moment. I'm scared of giving him away forever...I visit him all the time and I miss him so much.
move houses. I really don't have anything against this though. I actually don't even really mind the place we're moving to, but it's kind of far from school (closer to my work) and it's a bit of a pain to get to my friends/bf's place without a car.
The place itself is a bit more spacious than where we're currently living. The rent is a tiny bit more expensive but my relatives said they'll handle it. The only thing that's kind of annoying is that the land lady has a cleaner come in every 2 weeks to do chores and stuff. I know that doesn't sound like a bad thing but the cleaner is actually there to check up on us and make sure we're not wrecking the place (on top of doing chores). If anything seems out of line, they'll report it to the land lady and we'll get in trouble for it. So you can see how that would get annoying.
The thing that bothers me most about all this is that they don't even care about my sister's or my feelings about this whole matter. They just keep telling us to suck it up and that it's our job to sacrifice for the family in times of need. They keep telling me how selfish I am and how poor my life decisions were. Pointing fingers and saying who's to blame for sending my mom over the edge.
I don't know. I just want to live my own life. Finish school, move out, and just be my own person. I'm 21 going on 22, I should feel independent and confident in myself. But I don't. I feel like I'm going to be trapped forever. Like I won't ever get to live life for myself. Like I'll always be carrying someone else's responsibilities and burdens. My cousin told me that now is the time for me to work my butt off and set the tone for my future. She says I'll only be young once and if I don't set myself up for a good future I'll have a tough life.
I just.. I get to be young once and I'm not even allowed to enjoy it. I didn't even get much of a childhood because of how messed up things were at home, and now I have to give up my 20's too? First my childhood, then my teens and now my 20's. And I'm the one being selfish here. I'm the one not giving enough. I can't even comprehend the level of shit I'm getting thrown at me right now. It's ridiculous... I don't know. Maybe I'm being selfish. Maybe wanting to live my own life is just a little too much to ask for =__=
Regardless of my feelings, I'm glad we're not in a rut. I'm actually very grateful that they're willing to come take care of us like this. But I wish they would be more considerate of our feelings. The only thing keeping me going right now is the thought of graduation. It's only a few short months away and when it finally comes, I'll be free.
Thanks for taking the time to read this/leave a comment. I really appreciate each and every single one of you. See you later~ <3